26 days till christmas

29 days till paradise
26 days till christmas
10 the number of years my older son completed today
8 boys bowling to celebrate 10th completed year
4 spares
2 the number of frames bowled by the youngest boy (he had to go early as he missed his nap)
1 strike
that which brings joy is spontaneous and unpredictable

the believe that you are special, special enough to bring out 6 friends on a school night, allows your heart to be gracious

No More Shall I Count

this evening, around midnight--or shall i say tomorrow morning?--begins the cycle of 1 year anniversaries.

one year since deranged-estranged husband burst into house demanding to know where my (non-existent) lover was.
one year since my underwear were stolen--ostensibly to be tested for said lover's dna.
one year since having the locks changed.
one year since being physically threatened and personal property taken by force.
one year since taking the children and hiding out at a friend's house.
one year since the 4 hour phone call between my father and deranged-estranged husband during which the slander campaign against my character began (and continues to this day).
one year since filing a restraining order.
one year since filing for divorce.

one year since the week that redefined my world.
as i enter this anniversary week, i find myself involuntarily reliving those moments.
palpitating heart.
twisted stomach.
instantaneous tears.
anxiety as i hear cars drive by my house in the middle of the night.
waking in the middle of the night just to check on the children.
wishing i still had my noisy dog, jack, to warn me of potential intruders.

i'm done.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i will give myself one more night to grieve.
tomorrow i shall take a bath (during the darkest of days last year i took sometimes three).
drink some sour peach schnapps.
crawl under the covers.
saturday, i shall arise
emerge from my cave of blankets
whole.

27 days 'til halloween

the vine on which this pumpkin grows showed up on the side of my house early this summer.

rather than pull it out--competition for my newly planted peonies--i decided to let it grow.

after countless unfertilized blossoms came and went i first saw this pumpkin on late summer's day in august.

i've been feeding it water for the few weeks and it has grown plump.

when the boys return from their international free for all, we will harvest and carve it.

16 days til my 40th bday

31 days since my divorce was final

17 days til i see my boys again

16 days til my 40th bday

16 days til i start my new job

2 days since i turned on the tv

the silence of freedom can be deafening

160 Days

160 days 'till my 40th bday

112 days since i filed for divorce

5 days since launch of latest offensive by offensive not-soon-enough-to-be-ex-husband

4 days spent crying

the inside of my eyelids feel like sandpaper

170 Days

$41,856 salary paid by school district to new hire--with masters degree--with six years of prior service
$31,392 prior number prorated to 75%

$36,336 salary currently received by school district during seventh year of service--with masters degree
$27,252 prior number prorated to 75%

$17,170 2007 federal poverty guideline for 48 contiguous states for family of 3

$5,520 difference between new hire salary and current salary
$4,140 prior number prorated to 75%

170 days 'till my 40th bday

75% FTE my school district contract

my $4,140 anger has been squelched by a profound $17,170 sadness

177 Days

177 day 'till my 40th bday

95 days since i filed for divorce

67 daffodils emerging in front garden

37 days 'till vernal equinox

24 hours 'till next predicted snowfall

hope grows slowly, almost imperceptibly, like the length of day as spring approaches

183 Days

183 days 'till my 40th bday

40 minutes of exquisite napping in my friend's new recliner

25 days since her 40th bday after which she gave herself permission to buy said recliner

4 the number of little boys unsuccessfully being quiet so as not to disturb nap

1 ounce of liquid vitamins full of B-12 and other good things to stave off depression

love is measurable, but the units are unpredictable

185 Days

185 days 'till my 40th bday

6 days 'till impending deadline

5 number of times rescue inhalor used today

4 number of career building opportunities missed in last 2 weeks

3 number of girl friends that have moved away

2 number of hours spent creating "favorites" play list

1 number of movies seen in last 5 (or is it 6?) months

187 Days

187 day 'till my 40th bday

15 number of days since temporary orders hearing

4 number of 3rd grade homework pages assigned today

2 children pumped on caffeine after dinner with their father

2 number of child support payments due since temporary orders hearing

1 number of 3rd grade homework pages completed while under the attentive care of their father this afternoon

1 number of kindergarten homework pages assigned today

0 number of kindergarten homework pages completed while under the attentive care of their father this afternoon

0 number of child support payments received since temporary orders hearing

0 number of times father has lived up to the promises made in temporary orders hearing

0 number of people surprised

194 Days

391 the number of words in the email that finally broke the policy of non-response

194 days 'till my 40th bday

23 the number of harassing emails endured in silence--that's 1 every 3.65 days

19 periods

16 commas

6 dashes

1 hyphen

silence may be golden, but forever swallowing your bile can give you esophageal cancer.

196 Days

196 days 'till my 40th birthday

76 days since i filed for divorce--i wonder on what day these two will equalize--maybe they never will. maybe the divorce will be final before then. hopefully.

30 seconds the distance (in time) between me and tears at any given moment.

17 days 'till the next deadline. may it pass quietly.

9 years 189 days since i was married by a woman named "Ninfa"--that was really her name.

2 the number of failed attempts to write an algebraic equation to determine the equalization date.

197 Days

197 days 'till my 40th bday

104.5 degrees my friend's brother-in-law's temperature after being submitted to the hospital

40 my friend's brother-in-law's blood pressure shortly before his temperature skyrocketed

3.5 number of limbs my friend's brother-in-law lost control of after a massive stroke

3 number of years ago my friend's brother-in-law had his stroke

this vessel is more fragile than we'd like to think

199 Days

199 days 'till my 40th bday

44 number of cuts in my friend's leg following surgery

7 number of boys running around my house today to celebrate the 6th birthday (including my 2)

6 number to times i hit the snooze alarm this morning

4 text messages from a train en route to new york city

200 Days

200 days 'till my 40th bday

72 days since i filed for divorce

4 days since i looked at my 9 year old son lying unconscious on the ground and believed he was dead
(in the end he had a concussion and a broken clavicle)

1 day 'till my younger son's 6th bday

4 things to be grateful for