26 days till christmas

29 days till paradise
26 days till christmas
10 the number of years my older son completed today
8 boys bowling to celebrate 10th completed year
4 spares
2 the number of frames bowled by the youngest boy (he had to go early as he missed his nap)
1 strike
that which brings joy is spontaneous and unpredictable

the believe that you are special, special enough to bring out 6 friends on a school night, allows your heart to be gracious

No More Shall I Count

this evening, around midnight--or shall i say tomorrow morning?--begins the cycle of 1 year anniversaries.

one year since deranged-estranged husband burst into house demanding to know where my (non-existent) lover was.
one year since my underwear were stolen--ostensibly to be tested for said lover's dna.
one year since having the locks changed.
one year since being physically threatened and personal property taken by force.
one year since taking the children and hiding out at a friend's house.
one year since the 4 hour phone call between my father and deranged-estranged husband during which the slander campaign against my character began (and continues to this day).
one year since filing a restraining order.
one year since filing for divorce.

one year since the week that redefined my world.
as i enter this anniversary week, i find myself involuntarily reliving those moments.
palpitating heart.
twisted stomach.
instantaneous tears.
anxiety as i hear cars drive by my house in the middle of the night.
waking in the middle of the night just to check on the children.
wishing i still had my noisy dog, jack, to warn me of potential intruders.

i'm done.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i will give myself one more night to grieve.
tomorrow i shall take a bath (during the darkest of days last year i took sometimes three).
drink some sour peach schnapps.
crawl under the covers.
saturday, i shall arise
emerge from my cave of blankets
whole.